April 2012 will go down in history as a month of lasts in my life. It’s been a crazy two weeks for me. Yesterday, I wrote my last final exam at UBC ever. I have to admit, it was such an intense feeling knowing that such a big chapter of my life was closing.
However, April of 2012 didn’t start out very well.
My relationship ended about two weeks ago and I was forced to compartmentalize my feelings so that I could focus on exams. I have never been very good at compartmentalizing, but somehow, I managed to do it. Don’t get me wrong, I was miserable and I did the whole crying thing and I put away everything that reminded me of him, but I didn’t give myself a chance to wallow. Honestly, it was a decision that our heads knew was coming, and our hearts just needed a little time to catch up with it. Now that I have nothing to distract me from the reality of it, I still don’t think I’m going to wallow. It just feels like it’s too late.
The end of a relationship is always so tough. I can’t help feeling like a failure because my relationship failed. I’m heartbroken because we couldn’t make it work, I’m upset because I know he’s going to move on so much faster than I am, and I’m mad because we can’t even be friends since it’s not something either of us wants or could even handle. Cutting somebody who was so important out of your life is not an easy task. It hurts. What more is there to say?
The day after we broke up, my marketing professor gave us this sheet of life lessons that talked about broken hearts and how they were supposed to teach you something. What this broken heart taught me is that everything I didn’t know I wanted (to love and be loved) is important to me. It’s something I want and surprisingly, it’s something I’m capable of. All I need is the courage to commit. I’m choosing to believe that this isn’t the last time I’ll find somebody who makes me feel the way he did, and that I’m not a failure because I couldn’t make this relationship work. I could succumb to these feelings of disappointment, but I don’t want that. I want to be brave.
People come into our lives and make an impact. Our relationships with them shape us, but we can’t let them define who we are. Relationships are tenuous and messy and sometimes when they end, they leave their marks for a long time, but we can’t let it destroy everything we are.
This leads me to the positive part of this month. I’m DONE with university and I’m so very excited about that. I know the job hunt is going to be exhausting, but I’m willing to do it! (After a period of rest time that is).
I have to say, this exam season was really tiring. I had four exams in seven days (two of them being business classes and the other two being computer science classes). Both of my computer science classes allowed us to make a notes sheet to take into the final exam. I have to say, I think I went a little overboard. 😦
Right?! It actually did help me because writing things always helps me study. Anyway, I’m standing at the precipice of my future and I’m frightened and excited and very ready to step off.
April 2012 may be a month of endings, but I hope May 2012 will be a month of beginnings. I’ll keep you posted.