Chris: If it comes from the "bitches" realm, it comes from James.


(Chris is stabbing his eraser with a fork.)

Me: Maybe you should stop forking your eraser.

Chris: Would you rather I spoon it?


Me: Some people juggle, I put pens in holes.


Me: Are masterpage galleries treating you well?

Chris: No.

Me: Are they bitchslapping you?

Chris: Yes, and the thing is…they can bitchslap you but you can’t bitchslap them back.


I once called a Fido call centre that was obviously located in India.
The guy said his name was Ryan. I’m thinking to myself "Your name is
definitely not Ryan. Maybe Ryandeep, but not Ryan."


Me: Another day, another dollar.

James: Is that how much we pay you?


Cheryl: Artichoke dip? What the hell is that? That’s not even a thing!


Me: There are worse things to be than OCD crazy. You COULD be Chris.


James: I love when you say that things are going to be done by the end of the day. It’s so optimistic. I used to be like that.

Me: And then you realized we work with SharePoint.

Chris: Well, it’s just one last thing that should have been done quickly.

Me: And then you realized we work with SharePoint.

Chris: And then I realized I work with YOU.

Me: Chris, you should have realized that a long time ago.


Me: I have this friend who saw Twilight in theatres three or four times.

James: Sure, a "friend".

Chris: Yeah, a "friend".

Me: Shut up. I’m serious, she paid to see it four times.

Chris: Seriously, how much did that cost you?


Me: Chris, my test fixing is not going well.

Chris: My page layout fixing is not going well.

Me: So we’re in the same boat. With guns.

Chris: And eye patches.

Me: We’re not pirates Chris. That’s just ridiculous.


Me: And she gets to present it at MIT!

Fan: Yes. That’s where Tony Stark graduated from! 😀

Me: …Fan…Tony Stark is fictional.



James: I’ve called you a chicken twice today.

Me: BOK BOK? Do you enjoy comparing me to poultry?

James: I was definitely amused by the BOK BOK.


Me: Oh man, the first 7 minutes have two people gunned down, one fatally. And that’s just the first 7 minutes!

James: Grey’s Anatomy?

Me: No, that’s just my life outside work.


James: Tell me where pwalinkcustomfield is.

Me: Uh………..in Narnia?


Chris (to James): There are pencils in the back! You told me there were only pens but there are pencils too!

Me: Why are you getting so excited about a pencil?

Chris: Because the pencil I have is almost out of lead.

Me: There’s lead in the back too!

Chris: You know what, I’ve had enough of you.

James: He’s had enough of you and he’s been in the office for less than 5 minutes. That’s pretty good.

Me: We all have our talents.


Me (to Chris): Do you remember how much the ticket for the noise violation was?

Chris: About $140.

Me: That’s a lot of money for a noise violation in Whiterock.

James (to me): Better not take you to Whiterock.


Me: You know if I look at your body for long enough, I get a little nauseous.

Chris: WOW that’s mean. You probably hurt James’ feelings.


James: Now I have to eat my pain away.


Mike: OMG Win 7 has multiple clocks. YES. Wait, how does that help me? Why did I get so excited for nothing?


Fan: You know what bothers me?

Me: Hmm?

Fan: When people speaks English worse than I do.

Me: Wow…read that again.


Me: I didn’t have to do anything for you to own yourself there.

Fan: I think I’m going to cry.


Me: 7.

Mike: 7…hours (left to beat ME)…I meant Mass Effect, not as dirty as it sounded.


Me (to James): Maybe you should stop manhandling your banana.


Me: Hope for the best, expect the worst. But you don’t hope for the best, do you?

Chris: There is no hope.

James: There’s only SharePoint.


James: SharePoint giveth and SharePoint taketh away. What SharePoint giveths, it takes some more.


James: You know, I don’t get it, but the way the U.S. is to the world is how France is to Europe.


Chris: Maybe one day the aliens will come and solve SharePoint.

Me: That is the dream…and the dream lives on.


Mike: I reloaded from my last save. Gotta farm palladium and buy ship upgrades.

Me: Of course. That seems logical.


Fan: I got bored last night too. So I blew people up with my mage. I yelled out my attacks. 😀

Me: What do you mean you yelled out your attacks?

Fan: Like the names of the attacks I used. They hit harder when I yell them out IRL.

Me: Why does yelling out your attacks make them hit?

Fan: Make them hit HARDER.

Me: Fine, why does it make them hit harder?

Dude, in a boxing match two guys are going for a punch. One guy yells
DRAGON PUNCH and the other guy doesn’t say anything. Why do you think
will hit harder?

Me: That’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Fan: 😦

Me: Why is it that the dumbest things I’ve ever heard always come from you?


Me: Working with SharePoint, you should have realized that nothing is as it should be.


James: But if your team makes it through, then I just might die.

Me: Then I really hope my team makes it through.


Chris: I figured out how to make my wife hate me.

Me: Do you need to give her any more reasons?


Chris: I can’t believe we only have one class together.

Me: I’m quite thankful. Prayer DOES work.


Me: Why do you look stunned?

Chris: I’m thinking.

Me: Wow…I should take a picture. It happens so rarely…it’s like Halley’s Comet.

Chris: You thinking is like dark matter, theoretically it seems possible but no one knows for sure.


Me: I am going home in 15 minutes.

Chris: You suck.

Me: Maybe you should come to work earlier. Mr. I-Wake-Up-At-6.

Chris: Maybe you should shut up.


Chris: Niki is listening to the recording and she agrees with you about getting angry and wanting to hit the stupid people.

Me: Your wife and I have something in common other than our general dislike of you.


Me: Who is Fever Man’s sidekick? Hypothermia boy?


Chris: There should be no meetings until I have my first cup of coffee.

Me: Why do we have to cater to you?

Chris: Why shouldn’t you?

Me: Because you’re just a cog in the wheel.


Me: Fan, my leg hurts.

Fan: Stroke it.


Me: There was someone on the bus at like 9 am that smelled like beer.

James: Was it you?


Me: I don’t like the taste of beer.

Chris: Neither do I.

Me: Puh-lease! You chug beer like it’s water.

Chris: Excuse me?

James: Oh, you crazy drunkard.


Me: If you need a ringer to play Cam and kick his ass in StarCraft, you’re going to have to find someone better.

James: I don’t need a ringer. I need YOU. Don’t you feel needed?

Me: No. I feel….used.


Me (to James): You think you’re funny but you’re not funny.

Cynthia: Ouch!

James: Yeah, she’s mean that way.

Me: Hey, I just say what we’re all thinking.


Me: You should read Eat Pray Love! I know how much you liked The Secret so this book is guaranteed to tug at your heartstrings.

Mike: With a title like that, how can I go wrong?


James: If you wanted, you could be mean to Chris right now.

Me: I’m mean to Chris anyway. I don’t need your permission.

James: But I mean right at this moment.  You could tell him that sometimes you don’t like him.

Me: Yeah, that would really hit him where it hurts.


The problem is that not only do people get dumber, they also get more
selfish.  It wouldn’t be so bad if they were dumb and helpful.  Nice
slow people who are helpful.

Me: If you ever run for prime minister, that should be your slogan. "Slow people who are helpful".


Me: When I was a kid, I stuck my finger in an electrical socket.

James: That explains a lot.


Me: I stuck my finger in the socket because I was curious.

James: That’s why you’re not allowed under the table.


I’ve heard that if you touch a live wire you should grab someone else
because the current will go through you and into them.

Me: So you’ll fry them?

Chris: Yup.

Me (to James): If you’re around Chris and a bunch of live wires, don’t touch Chris. Make it a rule.

James: That’s a rule whether we’re around live wires or not.


Chris: I appreciate that rule. I have the same rule.

Me: So you don’t touch yourself?


Me: Whatcha up to?

Mike: Borwsing teh webz.

Me: All three of those words are misspelled.


Matt (from work): Why are we talking about Step Up 3D?

Me: I was just wondering why anyone would want to see a dance movie in 3D.  I mean, what’s going to be coming at you?

Matt: Feet.

Me: Why would you want feet in your face?

Matt: Bums.


Chris: My wife is dragging me out to a Pray Eat Love movie tonight.

Me: Chris, it’s Eat Pray Love. I’ve told you this twice now.  How hard is it to reverse the first and second words?

Chris: I like my way better. Praying makes you hungry.


Me (to James): What if Chris does spam you with e-mail messages? "Hi" "How are you" "I miss you"

Chris:  I don’t think I’m ever going to write "I miss you"

Me: If I steal your Blackberry, you might be writing "I miss you".


Mike: I’m watching Miss Universe because I’m a sad, friendless, desperate loser.

Me: You’re not friendless.

Mike: No, but I figured it would be a nice touch to add that in to make myself seem like more of a useless loser.

Me: You don’t have to try.


Me: We had an actual conversation yesterday.

Mike: Who? Us? Did we now? Cows go moo.

Me: Yes, it seems quite far off now.


Chris: Are you going to hug me goodbye when I leave like Rocio did?

James: Not even jokingly.


(from work): You guys have made it this far without committing any
horrible acts of violence. Don’t ruin that on your last day.


Me (to James): You’re making Chris’s last day here miserable.

James: Memorable. You mispronounced memorable.


Chris: Can you access forrest?

Me:  Yes. What happens when you try?

Chris: It tells me I don’t have permission to access Team Foundation Server.

Me (to James): It looks like they’re a lot more eager to get rid of Chris than they are to get rid of me.


(to James): I don’t want to give you my cell phone number because you
seem like the type of person to sell it to telemarketers.

James: Even on her last day, she’s still mean.


Me: Just once, I wanna meet a cool CPSC guy who is not obsessed with gaming. Is there such a man?


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