ever said by people in my life. Clearly, there will be more so I shall
add them on….
Me: "I’m sorry, did you just say ‘speak British’?"
Lynnie: "My bunnies are mating, you wanna go watch?"
Me: "Um, I think I’ll pass."
Mike: "Sure, let’s go."
Me: "Mike! How would you like it if someone watched you have sex?"
Mike: "Are you offering?"
Lynnie’s little sister, Carly: "You know that the word racecar is a palindrome?"
Carly: "Do you know what a palindrome is?"
Carly: "Do you know that the colour blue and red make purple?"
Carly: "Do you know bread has carbohydrates?"
Carly: "Do you know that calcium makes bones strong?"
Me: *sigh* "Yes."
Carly: "Do you know Lynnie and Mike had sex on the couch you’re sitting on?"
Me: "Ye…wait, what?!!"
Carly: "Hah, just checking to see if you were paying attention."
Ioana: "It’s always been like that. The "cool" kids sit in the back of the bus, and the losers sit in the front."
Me: "So what are you doing back here?"
Me: "Why do we need to know what the force of gravity is equal to?! WHY?!"
Kenny: "GAH! DON’T SPEAK THE WORDS!!!"
Kenny: "I slept in Physics because I knew I was screwed."
Cheryl: "If he gets within five metres of me, I’m gonna tai kwon do his ass!"
Ioana: "You better recognize!"
Ana: "I don’t share things I lick!"
Ana: "Ioannnaaa, there’s something wrong with your water!"
Branka: "Cheryl! Your friend is touching me!"
Cheryl: "God fucking hell bitch!"
Cheryl: "BP, now is not the time for your monkey business!"
Cheryl: "I’m going to slap him, hug him, spit on his shoe, hug him, and walk away without saying a word."
Me: "If you guys dated for longer, and eventually had sex, Cheryl, he’d crush you."
My mom: "It’s snowing in March, what kind of stupid country is this?!"
Me: "I wish they had things that would read books aloud to you."
My sister: "They do. They’re called books on tape."
Michael Fan: "You make me cry at night."
Cher: "You know that thing where you tickle your knee?"
Cher: "That’s 1/8th of an orgasm…so…do that eight times fast."
Xylia: Je me suis fait."
"Je francais tres bien."
Lynnie’s older sister, Megan: "You know, just because you have a ring on your finger doesn’t mean you’re married."
Lynnie: "Okay…are you trying to tell me you want to have an affair?"
"What?! No! I’m just saying, too many people put rings on each other’s
fingers and then hope for the best. They don’t want the marriage, they
want to tell people they’re married."
Lynn: "Okay…are you trying to tell me you want to get divorced?"
Meg: "No!!! God, I can’t talk to you Lynnie!"
Lynn: "Okay…are you trying to tell me you think I’m stupid?"
Me: "A guy that good-looking wouldn’t live in my neighbourhood. A guy that good-looking would get raped in my neighbourhood."
Mike: "You always could kick a guy in the balls, rip his heart out and stomp on it in under five words. It’s quite a talent."
Me: "Fuck off."
Mike: "Ouch, there it is. It’s all in your delivery."
Me: Pshh, Americans.
Kenny: Oh here we go.
Me: That’s right…American-bashing time!! So, what’s up with you guys? Why are you so anti-metric system?
Because we have A-bombs. And we’re street. They should put that in
your text books in the chapter on Metric systems. "The United States
formally declined entry into the Metric System Society, quoting "We
have A-bombs, and we’re street, bitches. So **** off."
Andrey: Ms. Banana Pants.
Me: Mr. Gorbachev.
Andrey: That is me. DA! NUKE ZEE VHALES!
(Quinn and someone else were playing ping pong.)
Me (to Andrey): How long have they been playing?
Quinn: Andrey, time…
Me: 12 minutes and 41 seconds?!!!!!
Me: Oh, heh, that’s the time.
Gabriel: "He’s putting stress on my personal space bubble!"
Gabriel: "You’re bleeding?! Just wait, I’ll go get some leaves!"
girl cut her knee up while we were hiking, and we didn’t have bandages,
so Gabe went to get some leaves. When she came back, we were using
napkins and water to clean the knee up. Her leaves were unnecessary.)
Goldberg: So, this is Dylan.
Me: Hi Dylan.
*I receive strange looks from people.*
Me: What?! I was just trying to make him feel welcome! I like to make people feel welcome.
Ioana: Should we turn off the lights?
Cheryl: Put it between my legs. My hands are busy.
Branka: "Lake Cowitchin’ is bitchin’!"
Branka: "My hole is nobody’s business!"
Ioana: Ow, my mouth hurts. Oh, it’s because I had my braces tightened.
Branka: You have braces?!!!
Ioana: Yeah Branka, since August…
(This conversation took place in June.)
Me and Branka singing: Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir.
Branka: I need to learn more words to that song. Especially now that I know what it all means.
Me: Uh, coucher, to sleep…yeah, we do know what it all means.
Branka: Wait, what does oulez mean?
Me: Oulez?! It’s voulez! Have you been singing oulez all this time?! Oulez vous coucher avec moi?!!
Me: Puberty has not been kind to him.
on St. Patrick’s day when I wasn’t wearing anything else green. This
was overheard by my Math teacher at the time who then told my Info Tech
Me: Hey! I’m wearing green underwear!
Ioana: I had a chocolate emergency!
(Ioana and me on the bus.)
Ioana: You know what you notice after watching Buffy all over again?
Me: Hmm, what?
Ioana: That she didn’t start wearing a bra until the third season.
Me: *disgusted groan* Oh dude!
(Some random guy sitting across from us smiles.)
Me: Look, you made him smile.
Ioana: Maybe his book made him smile.
Me: No, it was definitely you.
My Sister: *jumps a mile in the air* What?!!!!
Me: My cell phone’s on vibrate…..Sorry.
Me: You know who I hate?
My Sister: *no answer*
Me: Hello?! You know who I hate?
Sis: Well, you’re going to tell me anyway.
Me: *glares at her*
Sis: Fine. Who do you hate?
Sis: Uh huh. *returns to reading her book*
Me: Doesn’t that bother you?!
Sis: Not really. Way I figure it, you hate everyone. I’m just part of the crowd.
Me: I don’t hate my friends!
Sis: Well I’m sure they hate you.
Dad: What are you doing?
Me: Cleaning my room.
Dad: You’re aware it’s one in the morning, right?
Me: Yeah, but I couldn’t sleep.
Me: I have too many thoughts.
Me: Why do you sound so surprised?
Dad: I just thought that girls your age only thought about fashion and make-up.
*an awkward silence while I stare at my dad*
Me: Do you know me at all?
Dad: Want some help?
Me: No, you’d only ruin my system.
(So, my dad left.)
(I was looking at pictures on Branka’s digi cam.)
Branka: Whoa, who’s that boy?
Me: Boy? What boy?
B: Oh my God! That’s me! *starts laughing*
Me: (laughing) Dude, that’s so going on my blog.
Me: If I start crying, just smack me.
Michael Fan: Okay. *smacks*
Me: I said IF!
Michael Fan: I know. That was just a warning.
(My sister and I were in different rooms when we had this conversation. Imagine a lot of yelling back and forth.)
Me: (yelling) Can you download "Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off" for me?
Me: (still yelling) Can you download "Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off" for me?
Sis: Who’s taking her clothes off?!!!
Me: No, you idiot!!!! Panic! At The Disco! Download "Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off"!!
Sis: I can’t hear you!
Me: (muttering angrily to myself) Forget it. I can’t say that title anymore without getting all out of breath.
(My sister walks into the room.)
Sis: All I heard was panic and girl taking her clothes off.
Me: You’re useless, you know that?
Henderson: I used to go home and bang out a few problems.
Cheryl: Somebody’s got Boner in their mouth!
-You can predict the future!
Cheryl: I know! I’m psycho.
Branka: Why is cold air coming out from the bottom and hot air from the top?
Ana: Circulation, baby.
*stunned silence before everyone starts laughing*
Me: Do you think I’m defensive?
Sis: A little, yeah.
Me: I’m not defensive!…You’re defensive!
Sis: Oh my God. You’re defensive about being defensive.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, you…uh…Shut up!
Me: You are a bad, dirty, naughty, filthy, DIRTY liar!
Cheryl: Why are you saying such things? They’re hurtful…
Me: Yeah, but they’re true.
Cheryl: You’re stupid.
Nireesha: You’re stupid.
Cheryl: No, you’re stupid.
Me: You’re both stupid!
"Remove label before burning candle." By the way, I’m reading this off
the label you didn’t remove before you burned the candle.
Dad: Okay, who would turn a candle upside down to read the instructions?
Me: You mean other than me?
Sis: Stop being condescending.
Me: Whoa, that’s a big word. I’m surprised you could say it!
Me: Okay…focus. Now form a complete sentence like a big boy!
Me: Yeah, I don’t think my parents would love me if they weren’t forced to.
Mom: Don’t jingle your keys.
Me: Oh mom, that’s just a silly superstition.
Sis: What’s that one about food falling out of your mouth?
Mom: I don’t remember exactly. Something like someone’s talking about you at that instant.
Me: No, it means that you’re careless, and you can’t close your mouth and eat properly.
Mom: (laughs) That too.
Cheryl: Hey, help me insert this.
Branka: You wanna head?
Cheryl: No, I don’t want any head!
Ewa: How was piano?
Anja: It was okay, I locked myself in the church by accident and ended up marrying Jesus.
Ewa: Hey, Scott looks like Jesus.
Anja: Maybe he is Jesus!
Ewa: You should meet his Dad, it’d be like meeting God.
Anja: Yeah! I should!
D: Does anyone remember my name?
Me: Dietrich…Daryl Dietrich.
D: You know my first name too? Well, should I tell you the last part of my name…my middle name? It’s Alexander.
Me: Daryl Alexander Dietrich?
D: Yeah. So, what do my intials spell?
Everyone: Dad. *laughter*
D: So, you can call me Mr. Dietrich or Mr. D. Whatever.
Victor: Can we call you dad?
D: If I was gonna split a log with an axe, what would be doing the work?
Victor: You…………………………….no, the axe!
(A small fire was set in a garbage can and Wilmann put it out.)
Cheryl: He took it out. He’s my hero.
Me: Stop saying "took it out". It’s "put it out". Took it out doesn’t make sense.
*Cheryl’s eyes widen.*
Me: (realizing what I said sounded dirty) Oh Cheryl, you’re so gross!
Ana: Oh! Zero success! I have 1 success, 2 success, 3 success, but I forgot about zero success.
Me: Yeah, you can have zero success.
Ana: Hey, I’m optimistic.
Bogdan: Intelligence is inherited. My mom is smart, my dad is smart, but I’m not smart.
Hurn: Mutations occur.
You can’t commit suicide by holding your breath, but you can by carbon
monoxide poisoning. Hey, if you’re gonna do it, you may as well do it
Me: His name’s David Evans.
Ioana: Yeah, not obvious at all guys. (He was sitting right behind her.)
Cheryl: Yeah, what’s he gonna do? Cry?
Dad: School’s only for the intelligent people. They just get it. You have to work at getting it.
Me: Did you just call me unintelligent?
(My dad cleared his throat and left the room.)
Hurn: What happens to muscles when they get stimulated?
Sunny: They get -hot-.
Hurn: You definitely feel the effects as you get older. Your back starts to hurt.
Me: My back hurts now!
Hurn: See, you’re screwed. By the time you get to my age, you’ll be in a wheelchair.
Hurn: Can I have your body for Science?
Hurn: Hah, he’s just happy someone wants his body.
Andrey: Get your hands off my green eggs and ham, Sam I Am!
Me (laughing): That’s not a line in the book. That’s a little violent for Dr. Seuss.
Andrey: Damn straight!
Me: (still laughing)
He was in the war! Can’t you just imagine him coming out of a
trench…"AHHHHH!!!!!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY GREEN EGGS AND HAM, SAM I
"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, Had a Very shiny nose…"
Nireesha: Nose, nose, nose.
Mom: Look at my face! It looks huge.
Me: Don’t worry mom! The camera adds 20 pounds.
Sis: Uh, 10 pounds.
Me: (turning picture around and mouthing to her) 20 Pounds!!
(My mother smacked me. Heh.)
Me: Um, there’s 3 lectures to choose from. Eww! I chose the 9:00 one! HELL NO!!!!! Excuse me while I fix this!
(I made Ioana laugh.)
Stefan: Those are lungs!
Alex: Since when do you have 2 lungs?!
(Both of them are dorks. They were kidneys.)
Simone: Here, I think you guys should read this pamphlet on pregnancy prevention.
Anja: It’s too late for that.
Branka: Yeah, Anja’s parents already had her!
Sis: Did you just walk into the door?!
Me: (all defensive) NO!
Sis: Then what was that sound?
Me: (totally embarrassed) That was me running into the doorway, bouncing off due to the impact and landing on my ass.
Sis: Okay, you know what? You’re just as clumsy as I am!
Me: Hey, I don’t break any bones and become a major inconvenience.
Sis: No, you’ve pretty much been an inconvenience since Day 1.
-Why would Bogdan want to mate with fish?
-So that when the ice caps melt, his offspring will be able to swim.
Hurn: Alex, why are the cells losing water?
Alex: Uh, because of global warming.
Andrey: Why’d I show up today?
Me: Because you’re a dumbass.
Andrey: ……….Fair enough.
Me: Second term, I don’t have to go to school on Thursday at all and on Tuesday, I have to be there at 3.
Victor: In the morning?!!!
Andrey: And this is the guy that’ll be building our bridges.
Victor: Hey Andrey, how’d you do on the Physics test?
Andrey: well,let’s just say…my bridges would collapse.
Me: why am I doing this again? Oh right, peer pressure.
Me: That’s kind of offensive. He’s comparing a woman’s period to a volcano.
Andrey; Well, they are kinda similar.
Andrey: They’re both unpredictable….and destructive!
What’s the good part about drinking coolers? You can’t taste the
alcohol. What’s the bad part? You can’t taste the alcohol.
Anja: I called her and asked her where she had been and she said "Yeah, I was there at school…."
Me: Which class?!
Anja: Yeah, I know! She said she’s been at school…
Me: Which school?!!
Anja: Wow Cheryl, why do you look so rested all of a sudden?
Me: She found Ivan.
Nireesha: Xylia, I am sorry to inform you but you suffer from the dumbass disease.
Anja: What are the symptoms?
Me and Ioana simultaneously: Xylia.
Warrington: "I touch children. That’s right. Oh yes-what do I do? Oh yeah! I touch children."
Warrington: "It’s just a euphenism."
(The word is freaking eupheMism!)
-All he does is wax his precious motorcycle, which is probably manufactured by Fisher Price, for all we know.
-Can you even wax plastic?
-Yeah, probably not. He’s probably so confused when it starts melting.
-Damn, the police auction screwed me AGAIN!"
Warrington: Why did you answer the question wrong?
Anja: I just thought back to what you taught us.
Warrington: Yeah, bad idea.
Warrington: I’ve never passed a breathalizer. I’ve never even had the test.
Me: Okay, hold on. I gotta stretch/crack back. Man, the only time I feel good is when I’m flat on my back.
Me: OMG! DON’T SAY ANYTHING!
Mike E: Wow, you’re right though, I laughed.
Me: Sometimes, I say things that come out wrong. Really……..really…..wrong…..
Mike E: REALLY wrong.
So I was watching America’s Most Wanted a few days ago while in Pitt
Meadows with James and Matt while quite inebriated… turns out that
Americans are convinced that the Caribbean is full of pirates who are
looking for Americans to kill…paranoia to the max.
Me: Stupidity to the max. Americans make my IQ drop.
Andrey: No kiddin’. It’s like an intellectual black hole.
Cheryl: Don’t look like a freshman. I don’t want green slime thrown in my face or anything.
Me: Green slime? Uh Cheryl? What do you think happens here?…Just so I know.
Me: I like university except for the work. What does that say about me?
Cheryl: That you’re looking for the green slime experience too.
Me: I met this really snobby, bitchy engineer chick that I wanted to punch in the face.
Victor: Sounds like my kinda woman.
Me: Hey, I have a computer science luncheon tomorrow.
Cheryl: Nice, now you guys really are nerds.
Me: *bursting out laughing*
(still laughing) Shut up, you’re horrible!
Cheryl: I’m sorry but did you hear yourself? "Computer science -luncheon-"
Michael Fan: I can’t get to Point B if I die at Point A.
(Me referring to Mike’s cell phone.)
Me: Mike, just take it out.
Mike: No, I never take it out. I never take it out…
[10 min later]
Me: Mike, just take it out.
Cheryl: It wouldn’t help if he took it out you wouldn’t be able to see it……………………
(Cheryl and Goran listening to music in French 11.)
Warrington: Can you two please unplug yourselves from each other?
*class chuckles and then silence.*
Me: THAT WAS DIRTY!
Me: Tell your roommate to fuck off.
Michael Fan: that’s very adultlike. I find your ideals very intriguing, where do I subscribe to your newsletter?
Me: Okay, you know, mocking me isn’t good!
Andrey: Men. We suck. What can i say?
Me: You don’t suck. You’re my Gorby. Much love here.
Andrey: Maybe you mentioned something…
Me: Probably…I suck too. I should just have a sucking party and invite everyone.
Me: WAIT! WRONG THING TO SAY! TAKE THAT BACK.
Andrey: so i just noticed that im watching a documentary show on the makings of porno
Me: Why are you watching porno?
Andrey: im a guy…well actually, i was on showcase watching something else before…then wasnt paying attention to the tv
Me: Andrey…lame excuse. Be a man! "I LIKE PORN!" Just say it, loud and proud!
Andrey: I LIKE PORN!!! I AM MAN HEAR ME SAY I LIKE PORN!
Me: THERE!!! I’m proud of you.
Michael Fan: you can’t see it, but I’m giving you the hand right now
Me: You mean…..the finger?
(Me telling Mike what Michael Fan said.)
my RA wrote this on his door… "if I flip a coin what are the chances of me getting head"
Me: I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe.
Mike: hahahahahahhahahahahaha. thats fun
Mike: funny. crap
"I can’t laugh and walk at the same time."
Me: I think i saw an Amish guy on the bus. It was pretty cool.
Trevor: I saw Amish people on the ferry. I was like, "What the hell? Is that allowed? Shouldn’t you be paddling?!"
Andrey: Hey, how was your shower?
Me: I MEAN!….ARGH!…It was fine.
Michael Fan: She’s in her pajamas…at 7…
Me: SO AM I! You got a problem with that?!!!
Michael Fan: Actually! Yes, yes I do.
Me: And what do you plan to do about it?
Michael Fan: Yell at you over the internet.
Me: Yes, very effective. I’ll rip these pajamas right off.
Michael Fan: Awesome, that’s pretty hot.
Anja: Can’t you just enroll in UBC and pursue a life of deep and neverending debt like the rest of us?
Cheryl: Sorry, I choose happiness.
-These captions are annoying.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re meant for…blind people.
Ioana: What the……I’m wet.
(Ana, while sitting across from me, texts me..)
Ana’s text: U look very pretty today.
Ioana: Yeah, you do. We all know who it’s for….ME!
Ana: No, it’s for me!
Ioana: Shut up, I’m Romanian, so we know there’s something she likes about me.
Michael Fan: He got a new laser printer. What a little bitch..
Me: I did too…wanna call ME a bitch?
Michael Fan: No.. you’ll hurt me.
Mike: Don’t make Mike angry. You wouldn’t like Mike when he’s angry. He may do something…angry.
Ioana: Like what? Run out of adjectives?
Mike: Shut up, I have an A- in English.
Ioana: You’re reading HARRY POTTER.
(Me referring to their conversation.)
Me: Yeah, it’s like a battle of wits between you two, which is funny because neither of you have any.
Me: WHAT THE HELL IS DICHLORINEHEPTOXIDE?!
Mike: Err Cl2O7.
Me: I’m not asking about the empirical formula. And no, it’s not Cl2O7.
Mike: how is it not?
Me: OMG IT IS! How did you know that?! Oh, I see.
Fan: He’s just frustrated.
Fan: Because durwin keeps dying and he’s not doing any damage.. because he’s a sheep half the time.
Me: A sheep?
Fan: Yes, a sheep.
Me: What’s a sheep?
Fan: A sheep, an animal.
Me: What does that have to do with anything?!
Fan: He’s angry!
Me: No, I mean…how does one become a sheep?
Fan: A mage turns him into a sheep.
(And then I proceeded to laugh my ass off.)
Cheryl: Oh, I hate getting on my knees.
Cheryl: I hate putting my finger in holes.
Cheryl: Where are we going?
Me: We’re on the corner of Granville and Dunsmuir.
Cheryl: Thanks for that!…….Dora the Explorer…
Cheryl: She thinks she’s the hottest shit that came out of a vagina.
Me: Crap Nireesha, I need a bigger bookshelf. I have NO room, I put books under the bed.
Nireesha: Just rent a library.
Me: YOU HAVE AN EMOTICON FOR EVERY OCCASION!
Cheryl: I KNOW! I’M AN EMO WHORE!
Fan: Damn it. I wish I was retarded.
Fan: If we were married, I’d file for divorce.
Me: Seriously? You wouldn’t be able to make it work with me?
Fan: I’d go mentally unstable.
Fan: You’re a freak.
Me: This coming from YOU?!
Fan: Ok…you’re a nerd.
Me: THIS COMING FROM YOU?!
Fan: SHUT UP!
Branka: I had a muffin from Tim Horton’s.
Anja: One muffin is making you sick?
Branka: …it was two muffins. I lied.
Nancy: They are systematically trying to break my spirit.
Nancy: I fucking hate crickets!
Nancy: What would I do without you?
Me: Live a happy, blissful, worryless life?
Nancy: Collapse into a nervous breakdown mid-math or Physics class screaming "WHY, WHY DO YOU WANT TO BREAK MY SOUL UBC?! WHY?!"
Nancy: In the grand scheme of things, I don’t care.
(My mother pushes the up button on the elevator.)
Dad: Down. We’re going down, not up.
Mom: Yes, but the elevator has to come up, right?
(Then I burst into laughter.)
Me: Who the frick drinks vodka on a Tuesday night?
Nancy: Me. Every Tuesday.
Me: Whatcha up to? Still Bio?
Nancy: No, now I’m eating sorbet and weighing my conscience against my laziness.
Me: What could a girl give you for your birthday that would make you go "Thanks" but not make you think she was into you?
Trevor: A basket full of sex toys.
Me: (bursting out laughing)
You’d go "Thanks" to a basket full of sex toys?
Me: WHY DO I NEVER WIN?!
Nancy: They’re racists.
Me: I assumed you were calling us nerds because we were talking about computer stuff.
Nancy: I want a plant named after me. I can’t call anyone a nerd and be serious about it.
Cheryl: Are you getting picked up?
Me: NO! I have to take the bus.
Me (grumbling): I never get picked up.
Me: Why do our MSN’s suck?
Nancy: They’re trying to keep us apart.
Me: I am sick of Anna Karenina. I wonder why I liked it at the beginning. Fricking Russians can never just get to the point.
Mike Enescu: Racist. Take your hate crimes elsewhere Hitler, I don’t wanna hear them.
Nancy: Guess who I saw at the SUB?
Me: IRISH ASIAN.
Me: JOHNNY DEPP.
Nancy: NOT AS GOOD.
Me: MIKE ROSE.
Cheryl: Oh, me and Branka are having a games night at her house. Kind of a combined birthday thing. 10 people max.
Me: Am I invited?
Cheryl: No, I’m just bragging.
Cheryl: It’s summer. We need to find boyfriends to drive us around.
Me: Uh..YOU find a boyfriend. I’m suicidal enough already.
Me: Please kill me.
Cheryl: No. If I have to suffer, so do you. 😀 Togetherness.
Me: Why am I looking up cocktails? I don’t drink. Oh right…I wanted to know what was in a Porn Star.